Killer Harpist

David: Giant Slayer (2009)
Directed by David Padrusch
Written by David Padrusch, John F. Schwally

David, a brave shepherd, an ambitious warrior, and finally a ruthless king...T.J. Cencula
Joab, the right hand man...Brian Danner
Saul, the King...Orion Barnes
Goliath, a giant Philistine hero...Alex Castro (Hannibal and Goliath? What extraordinary range!)
Uriah the Hittite, a loyal soldier who made the mistake of having a hot wife and a rooftop bath...Kevin Moran
Bathsheba, the hot wife....Berenice Noriega
Abiner...Daniel O’Brian
Ishbaal...Ian Stoker-Long
Jonathan...Brad Wilcox
Hadadezer....Paul Jacobson
Absalom, David’s rebellious son....Rafael Jordan
Solomon, David’s ultimate progeny....Ari Nevas

Richard A. Gabriel (Distinguished Professor, Royal Military College of Canada)
Mark Schwartz (Dept. of Anthropology, Grand Valley St. U.)
David George (Professor of Classics, St. Anselm College)
Steven Weingartner (Author, Chariots Like a Whirlwind)

This episode represents the best and worst of this show. On the one hand, it treats “the Bible” as history, which is problematic given the fact that “the Bible” is a collection of diverse sources and thus even if you are going to treat it as historical evidence (which is perfectly valid) you have to explain some of the caveats of that before launching into a “history” like this. So, that’s a problem. On the other hand, the episode takes an interesting approach to David, exploring the more vicious/ambitious angles of his rise as documented in scripture and taking some novel interpretations that could make sense. Of course, you know that the reason the producers do this isn’t in the interest of history, but in the interests of History with a capital H and that rhymes with Sensationalism. David’s ambition is almost Stalinistic here. But then again, this episode does get you to look closely again at the scripture. David isn’t an unmitigated hero. He’s a complex figure who gets called out for his flaws as often as he is rewarded for his virtues. He isn’t always wearing the white hat, and the sort of half-assed jaundiced approach (let’s call it slightly yellowed) that the Battles B.C. gang bring to David actually does something of a historical service.

Sure, we all know about David and Bathsheba and how David basically sends Uriah the Hittite on a suicide mission so that he can love-up Bathsheba. It’s what you might call dastardly behaviour. But going back even earlier, David was willing to kill his fellow countrymen on behalf of the Philistines in order to prove his value to them and cement his position with them in his rebellion against Saul. It’s politics, folks. And it’s a dirty business. There’s no room for white hats and snow angels in here. And the fun part of it is that it’s there in the scripture. It’s not all conjecture, though some of it does require a bit of reading between lines and making sense of the context and subtext.

And not always even that much trouble. The folks here do a surprisingly good job of creating a believable portrait of a real man set in a real time. At least that's where they start.

But what about David’s battles...you know, his Battles B.C.? Well, once again we have some sword swinging action and people running around doing stupid things in front of a green-screen. The “strategy” and “tactics” are familiar siege and mobility problems. Sure, some of this stuff is interesting and this is one of the more solid episodes from the military science standpoint, even if the archaeological record cited is rather fuzzy. Let’s just say that there’s more speculation in here than the chiming professors are allowed to let on in this forum.

The need of the show to somehow claim some sort of tactical/strategic brilliance and unique ingenuity on the part of the title character stretches credulity and the conjecture gets out of hand a lot. But, this isn’t the worst episode of the bunch. At least David doesn’t roar when he kills people as if he’s going through the quickening the way Hannibal does. And if the whole thing is sensationalized as if it was a summary of The Sopranos, it’s because the story is pretty sensational. And at least Bathsheba is easy on the eyes, which helps us understand David’s motivation for the soap opera part of the story.

On the other hand, if you’d rather skip the half-assed telling of it you get here, you’d do better watching even the Richard Gere King David movie, or sitting through Kings. Or better yet, just pick up a copy of the original with some commentary and have a nice read.